Advice wanted/Creepy

[Jiffy]

Hello everyone.
Looking for advice. (sorry this will be long, but I would really like opinions if anyone cares to read it)

Here is the story as short as I can make it.

First off, start off with a few facts.
1. I always try to be nice to people and try not to hurt their feelings.
2. For some reason, I have trouble verbally expressing love to people that I really do love, much less people that I do not love (in any type of love, family, friend boyfriend anything). I am just not very verbal with things like that for the most part.

Ok, now, background
My uncle (my dads brother) used to be married to a woman many years ago. I have no conscious memory of this woman at all. No memories, nothing with her. I do remember my family talking about her afterwards, and saying that they thought she was really mentally had something wrong.
I am sure I was around this woman when I was young, (like baby), but the only memories I have of her are just overhearing conversations about her. Couldnt pick her out in a lineup.

Fast forward till now.
She contacts me on Facebook.
She is sending me all kinds of I love you my long lost neice message, and writing on my wall, etc.
For instance, today she wrote,
it is so good to be talking to u, u r so beautiful, is ur mom out of the hospital yet, i can't wait to be able to go to see her, tell her i love her i have always loved her, and i pray for you and your family to be blessed above and beyond anything u can think or imagine, and then i pray angels
wings around the blessin...g, to keep it always and forever. i love u more than u know love ....

And she is sending me messages about how she would love to see me, and get in my pool, and I am so precious and all these things.

Ok, this creeps me out. I do not mean to be uncaring, but I do not feel this way about her. I dont even know her. I dont know how to respond to the things that she keeps on sending me.
I do not want to be mean to her, but I just dont know how to respond to all of this. And She sends me stuff all the time.

Ok, any advice appreciated...

Thanks!

 

[li]

Hey Jif...this is a tough one. My first thought would be this. Is your Uncle still around? Do you speak with him? If so maybe he can help you and talk with her and explain that you aren't interested in starting a relationship with her. If not, then unfortunately if you don't want this relationship you are going to have to tell her. I would private message her and just tell her that honestly you don't remember her and dont feel that this should continue. Btw, did you confirm her as a friend or is she messaging you.

 

[Jiffy]

Unfortunately I did confirm her. I knew who she was, and she already had my mom and a couple of my cousins as her friends. I remembered her name, from my family talking about her, and also, she is a friend of mine (not close friend) aunt, so I knew exactly who it was.
I had my fault of not wanting to be mean, so I approved her. I figured that would be the end of it. I didnt know that she would start sending me all kinds of weird notes.

I do still talk to my uncle (not often, but we still talk). he does not have any contact with her, and is probably scared to initiate anything with her. One day she showed up at his jewelry shop with her son so that she could introduce him to her son. My uncle was none too pleased.

I guess I will have to just tell her, but that is sooo hard for me to do things like that. You would think that with the shortness, unfriendliness and lack of caring in my responses to her, that she would have gotten the point from that. I guess not.....

 

[beardielover17]

Facebook allows you to change your privacy settings so she can't message you or post on your wall. You can technically "block" her too.

 

[renich]

This is odd. What a horrible situation to be in. Did she seek you out?

I am a bit puzzled. Was your mom in the hospital recently? If so, how was she aware of it?

 

[li]

I did think of the "block", that is a good way, but I know I would feel better (although I am also not confrontational) just to tell her the truth. Sorry I can't be of any more help Jif.

Yeah, what's up with your mom?

 

[Jiffy]

I wonder what she would see if she tried to contact me and I had blocked her? That is a thought.

Renee, she did seek me out on Facebook. I wish I would have just not accepted the request and went on with my life.

My mom is ok. She was not in the hospital. She did have to go to Duke last week for a doctor appt for a check up, but that is all. Unfortunately, my mom for some reason craves attention, and she likes to share any and all medical issues that she has, and she also has a knack of making things seem worse than they are. So I guess that is where Nancy (the ex aunt in question) got that she was in the hospital.

 

[renich]

Ah, so someone is in contact with her. Ok, I'm not as freaked as when I first read your post. Fatal attraction were my initial thoughts.

I wouldn't block her without an explanation. I hate confrontations too. But just put yourself in her shoes. Cutting all ties without knowing would eat me up. Just let her know that you appreciate her concerns and wish her the best, but your current lifestyle doesn't warrant rekindling a relationship.

Or you know what, I think I would take a bold move and ask her why she contacted you. And why she is interested in knowing you. She may be lonely and seeking any friendship she can get - whether it be online or face to face. That doesn't mean you have to befriend her. But it is odd that she sought you out when you have no memory of her.

Sorry, just rambling after a long day....

 

[Jiffy]

Renee, I dont think that my mom has been in contact with her either. I think she got all of this from my moms posts on Facebook. I dont think she has really talked to anyone. She had my mom on her friends list first, and then she got me and another one of my cousins as friends. I guess she found us thru my moms facebook.

 

[renich]

Oh. Ok, I misunderstood. Sorry.

You know, this is really a tough situation. I can suggest one thing or another, but in reality, if it were me, what would I do? I just don't know.

Part of me says I would ignore her and she should go away. But the other part, wants to know why she wants to rekindle a relationship that existed how ever many years ago when you were a baby. Has she not gotten over your uncle leaving her? And she is just trying to hold on to her past?

I had an aunt who was divorced back in the 70s. She couldn't deal with it. And it did drive her crazy.

Anyway, good luck. Let us know how it turns out.

 

[Jiffy]

Renee, maybe it has to do with divorces in the 70's. Because I am 39, and they had to have split up when I was a baby or a very young child. So it had to be early 70's when they split up. I think the only one in the family that she had any contact with, (other than when she dropped in on my uncle to show him her grown son) was with my Grandmother. She would still talk to my grandmother some.

I dont know if just finding us on Facebook has put her in a nostalgic mood, or if maybe she was stalking us on FB or who knows. I am hoping she just stumbled upon us and it put her in a nostalgic mood. I hope!
lol

 

[renich]

Hmm...yeah, back then divorces were not as widely accepted as they are today. It was a blow to a woman's self esteem. For some that is.

I would ask her what she wants. You know honesty is the best policy sometimes. Ask her what she wants. And that you have no memory of her. And it confuses you why she sought you out. It may just be curiosity about a past she was forced to cut ties. you know? Whatever happened to that dog who ran away type thing.

 

[Vesta]

I know exactly how you feel Jiffy. I was the same way years back. I have a large church family and when I first started going there people would genuinely feel affection for me and hug me real tight and say they loved me. I have always had a sense of humor and usually those squeezes would follow something that I said that they thought was funny. I had a rough time growing up and it was hard for me to accept the hug better yet those words. And I would freeze up and say something like..."me too." Or" I kinda like you." LOL... But I was serious and totally uncomfortable with the whole thing. Since then I have gotten better about showing people that I love them or care about them. But I still do not like to be held for more than a second in a quick hug. I do not like to kiss at all unless it is my Grandchildren. Still hung up I guess. But it is OK that your not demonstrative in showing your feelings. Everybody is different. So that part is NO BIGGIE.

I too have just gotten in contact with my family. My nieces who I have seen only twice in our lives will write that they love me. But I cannot honestly say that I love them because I don't know them. I'm sure I would if I knew them but....

This Aunt of yours sounds like real bad news. Someone who will make a pest of herself. I would not block her unless I spoke with her first. My way of getting rid of people who have become troublesome to me(the people who drop in unannounced several times a week and stay for 4 or more hours or constantly sucking you dry for favors) I have had all types..is to simply ignore them. I don't answer the door if they drop by. Or pick up the phone if they call. Eventually they take the hint and go away. I know that does not sound very Christian but I think the unspoken message comes through loud and clear and NO harsh words were spoken. They just take the hint. It may take a few times but they will get the message. Hope this helps.

 

[ladyknite]

2. For some reason, I have trouble verbally expressing love to people that I really do love, much less people that I do not love (in any type of love, family, friend boyfriend anything). I am just not very verbal with things like that for the most part.

me too, so i can understand where you're coming from. Although I'm not certain I try to keep from hurting feelings in the process, I believe that honesty is the best policy and much easier to deal with than fabrication.

My assumption of people is that they use the "I LOVE YOU" phrase way too easily without ever really knowing most of the people they claim to LOVE. I think that's creepy.

If it were me Jif, I'd be straight up honest. Explain to her that you're pleased she thought enough to find you on Facebook and contact you, but that you have no realistic memory of your relationship with her from your childhood. And that her references to "loving you" and being her "long lost niece" make you uncomfortable. I'd make my own decision as to whether or not i wanted to pursue a relationship with her, and i'd let her know.

It's my opinion that you don't have to justify those feelings for her or anyone. they are YOUR feelings and not subject to other people's thought or opinion.

That probably didn't help a bit huh?

 

[Jiffy]

Thanks Vesta and Gina. I am glad to know that I am not the only one who feels that way about sharing their feelings, especially with people that I do not know, or do not feel that way about.

And Gina, it did help, thanks. I am glad for any and everyones input, and will consider all of it, and go from there. I will let you all know what I wind up doing.

Right now I have just not answered her post at all that she sent a couple of days ago. (the one from my wall) I did delete it from my wall, because to me, that is something that you send in a note to someone, not put on their page. (if you dont know them)

 

[Pogie]

Quote

2. For some reason, I have trouble verbally expressing love to people that I really do love, much less people that I do not love (in any type of love, family, friend boyfriend anything). I am just not very verbal with things like that for the most part.

me too, so i can understand where you're coming from. Although I'm not certain I try to keep from hurting feelings in the process, I believe that honesty is the best policy and much easier to deal with than fabrication.

Im the same way too, don't express feelings too well at all. Has to do with a bunch of stuff that happened when I was young.

But my 2cents are, say thank you for the nice thoughts, but no thank you to further contact/friendship, if you just ignore her, she might not get it that you don't want anything to do with her (As the ignoring her hasn't sunk in with her as well) and become a stalker, or even worse... show up in person one day . . . .

Just my opinion . . .. :-\

 

[Jiffy]

Thanks Monique.
I actually have not ever answered her post to me from last week, only because I could not think of the wording that I wanted, and she has not made any more contact. I am scared to answer her now, and start something back up. I might just wait it out and see if she contacts me again.

 

[Jiffy]

Re: Advice wanted/Update, yikes!

YIKES!
Ok, so, I thought I had gotten past the whole thing with Nancy, but she had posted on my moms wall earlier today. And when my mom did not answer her, she posted this on my wall

JENNIFER, WHY WON'T YOUR MOM RETURN MY MESSAGES, I THOUGHTSHE LOVED ME, I'M BEGINNING TO THINK NOT, AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY. PLEASE LET ME KNOW...I WAS REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO CONNECTING WITH HER ON FB"

So I finally got up the nerve and replied back to her. Below is a copy of what I sent.


Nancy, I am sorry, but I cannot answer for my mother. And as for myself, I do not mean this to sound rude, but I really do not have any actual memories of you, so I feel kind of uncomfortable about the conversations you have been initiating. I appreciate your interest in me, and I hope that you continue to do well, but at this time, I do not feel like we should have any further contact.

 

[renich]

Double yikes! She is not right in the mind. I feel for you. What a horrible situation to be in....
Where does she live?

 

[Jiffy]

I am curious if she will even try to reply to me, and what she might say. Hopefully she doesnt reply.

Renee, she lives either in 1 of 2 cities near us, but I am not sure which. So depending on what area of the city she is in, she could be anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour to hour and a half away.
Luckily she does not know where I live, but she knows exactly where my mom lives, since my mom has lived in the same house for 34 years.