Quandry

[zebraflavencs]

Here's the story...
At work, there are several of us that spend time together, at work and away.
One of us, though, tends to make us all feel uncomfortable with her comments.

I personally, am not sure if it is because she doesn't realize that her pithy comments might hurt our feelings, or the one to whom those comments are directed to, or if she just doesn't care.
And it isn't all the time... just now and then.. the comments just sort of pop out.

Not quite sure how to deal with this... I really like her... she's a fun person, has some outrageously funny witticisms, and I'm really comfortable with her.

Any suggestions ?
Janie

 

[crypticdragons]

Well (and remember military so we are slightly brash to begin with lol) whenever a person is making inappropriate comments or actions they typically start with an informal notification (ie tell them in a 1 on 1 setting that the comments are not appreciated and are making the collective uncomfortable) if this warning goes unheaded a official notification is routed through the person direct chain of command and a leader gives a notification to the offender, warnings continue to go unheaded the person is charged (or for civilians I guess it would be a doc in pay or unpaid "vacation" or shitty hours)

 

[zebraflavencs]

I guess I could see how that would work in that situation, but this happens usually when we are all away from work, in a social setting.
Anyone else have suggestions ?
Janie

 

[Stephanie is a Rockstar]

I work with someone like that... She told me that I was a borderline pedophile for kissing my step daughter on the lips. (Irrelevant to topic, but thats the reason I told her to watch it) Honestly, just tell her... Say "we like you and all, but seriously, you need to watch what you say." She might get pissed for a bit, but if she is a good friend she'll get over it. If she doesn't, then you don't need her in your life.

 

[zebraflavencs]

Okay... maybe I am not strong enough... forward enough to lay out ultimatums..
maybe I haven't done this because I don't want to be the only one setting out recriminations either...
Janie

 

[crypticdragons]

you arent retaliating by asking this person to filter their speach. If what they say is offensive than it is offensive. Especially if it is offending multiple people than its obviously a problem.

 

[li]

So the options are this....u say something to her and she takes the criticism well and things are good. OR..she doesn't take it well and you lose somebody you enjoy. Is the stuff she says so out of line that you cannot deal with it? Because most people don't take criticism too well and you have to prepare yourself for losing a friend.

 

[zebraflavencs]

Yes, sometimes what she says is really out of line.. or at least sounds offensive to all of us, directly or indirectly involved.
Yeah... that appears to be my choices..
*sighs*.
Janie

 

[zebraflavencs]

I'd still welcome everyone's suggestions in this matter, though.
Thanks.
Janie

 

[crypticdragons]

Yes, sometimes what she says is really out of line.. or at least sounds offensive to all of us, directly or indirectly involved.
Yeah... that appears to be my choices..
*sighs*.
Janie

There is a 3rd option. You could always all decide to stop reacting to he comments. If you do not reinforce bad behavior it typically stops. So if yall dont react to this person saying improper things the person main realize that it is not funny or appreciated and the shock jock crap is unwanted.

 

[zebraflavencs]

I'll consider any options at this point.
Thanks.
Janie

 

[Craiger]

I'll consider any options at this point.
Thanks.
Janie

You could always set up a roll-playing event with your other friends and let her be the audience. Let one of them be "her". She'll recognize this shortly after the one playing her starts shooting off offensive remarks. You jump in with paint gun and full paintball armor and start shooting the one playing her relentlessly with red paint balls. Then turn around and tell her, "If the snide remarks don't stop, this is going to be you! Get it?!"

If she doesn't get it, then you and your friends get to cover her in paint. LOL!

Or....

You could just start dishing it back and see how she likes it. She might get the point. Some people love to dish it out, but can't take it when given back. Either way, she should get the point.

Or....

You could just invite her over to your house sometime....and let her have a face-to-face with some of your herps. LOL!

I'm sure I can come up with more.

 

[beardielover17]

I may not be the best person to ask for advice on a situation like this. I am typically not a people person and while I may enjoy your company, if you repeatedly make comments that make me uncomfortable or bother me I will be brutally honest about what is on my mind.

I give 1 shot before I lay it all out. In a situation like this I would pull the person aside and say, "Look, I felt taking you off to the side was better than saying this in front of people but you need to relax with your comments. It is making me and the others feel (INSERT EMOTION HERE) and figured talking to you 1 on 1 was better than letting it continue and having all hell break loose. If you could work on watching what you say, it would be greatly appreciated by me and the others. If not, I can promise you working here is going to feel more awkward than you have been making us feel now and things may not be pretty."

Now if all else fails, I get a little more harsh in what I say but still keep it truthful and depending on the authority I have at the job, their position may be at risk depending on the severity of everything.

I tend to be a bit of a brute and don't have much tolerance for people as a whole. Despite me talking to everyone here, I am more likely to avoid social interactions until I can observe your mannerisms better. Jeeze I probably sound like the biggest #$%@ Hope no one took offense.

 

[zebraflavencs]

Craig.. no paintball in the house. And i don't role play. though thanks
Candice.. sounds valid to me.
Keep the suggestions rolling..
Thanks
Janie

 

[Craiger]

Craig.. no paintball in the house. And i don't role play. though thanks
Candice.. sounds valid to me.
Keep the suggestions rolling..
Thanks
Janie

Most of my suggestions are "tongue-in-ckeek".

Kind of like...

Push her down some stairs? LOL!

 

[zebraflavencs]

*rolls :*
Janie
I'm serious.. though I do appreciate the humor in your responses, Craig.. Honestly though, what would you do, were you presented with this situation ?

 

[Craiger]

*rolls :*
Janie
I'm serious.. though I do appreciate the humor in your responses, Craig.. Honestly though, what would you do, were you presented with this situation ?

Oh...darn. Now we gotta be serious. *opens door and leaves room*

Psyche...I didn't really leave.

I'd take her aside and tell her one-on-one in a friendly manner....and let her know I was doing it so she wouldn't get embarrassed in front of the others. When addressing these types of issues, as long as the other person knows you're doing it "from the heart", things will go well most of the time. If she doesn't accept the advice, she's probably not worth wasting time on.

 

[zebraflavencs]

Thank you.
Anyone else have a suggestion to share ?
Janie

 

[Craiger]

Thank you.
Anyone else have a suggestion to share ?
Janie

I know I was just repeating what somebody else said....but figured reiterating it would be okay.

 

[renich]

Janie, I've been reading this thread and I think everyone has given you great advice. I guess where I am stuck is understanding the social situation.

I guess what I mean is this -
Is she talking smack that is offensive to everyone? Or is she demoralizing someone by making them feel small for their beliefs/situation or lack of knowledge about something?